First let me say that I love you. You are, and always will be, my baby. You are the only person on the planet over age 5 that is allowed to sit in my lap, because sometimes a mother just needs to hold her baby.
I wish I could say I remember your babyhood, and toddlerhood, but I cant. I was working, and for the most part I was only called on to be the bad guy. I was the one to provide rules, and discipline. I think this is part of our problem in communicating with each other, since you were very small I have been the parent to spank you the most, yell at you the most, make the most rules, say “NO” the most, and the list goes on. And now it is a pattern, I call your name, and you go on the defensive. You know every single one of my buttons, and you can press them all in succession without a thought, and I get defensive back, and we hurt each other.
This morning I kicked you out, Again. Because I love you. Alex, I have never asked anything from you but to do the minimum required to be a good man. What this means to me is that you take responsibility. Responsibility comes in many forms, but for a father of two little girls, it has some basic requirements. The first is that you have a job, that you are able through your work, or the work of you and your partner, to support your family. What this means is you can provide nourishment, whether in food, clothing, a home, or love. It does not mean you get to sit around, do nothing, call yourself a piece of shit, and hope the rest of the world agrees and leaves you alone. The second is that you provide a safe environment for you children, this comes in many forms, from protecting them from others, to protecting them from yourself. It will be cute the first time Adrian or Heidi say the F Bomb, it will not be cute when they use it on you, or other authority figures. This means adapting whatever environment you put them in to them, not them to it. Is it safe where they are? Are the people around them thinking before they speak? Are there hazards to their health? Is the door shut? etc. The most important though, is that you accept responsibility. If you didn’t provide a safe environment, you cannot punish them if they get hurt, or head for trouble, they were not the ones responsible, you were. If you have not given them safe shelter, it is on you when they get sick. etc.
These are the things that ALL parents are expected to do. Not just you. Not just me. ALL parents.
But again, you call yourself a piece of shit, and hope that no one will expect anything of you. Well, as your mother, I expect things. I expect that you can, and should be a good father, good man, and functioning member of society.
This is the part in our cycle where you tell me that I am expecting you to be perfect, and that I am all kinds of fucked up. And this being the case, I should not talk to you about parenting, or adulthood.
And I fire back, and it all explodes in our faces, and we both lose.
About today though, something has to change Alex. You are coasting along again, hoping for what, I do not know. You are spending time everywhere but where you need to be, hoping that being somewhere else will make you happier, and it wont. It is a fact that wherever you go, there you are. You are no happier today than when you lived on Charles, Chase, Amidon, Main, or Oliver. Because being happy, is like being a piece of shit, if you believe it, it is true. I do not believe you are a piece of shit, I believe you are the young responsible man I raised. I believe you are unhappy with yourself, and your life, because once again, if you believe you are happy, you will be.
I decided, once again, to be the change. So I kicked you out, not because I do not love you, but because I do. I love you enough to know that you have to figure this out, and I cannot help you, much as I try. So I have to kick you out of this nest again, and hope you learn how to fly before you hit the bottom.
I love you.
Momster
Ink Marqued 