Do you ever miss your mom?

I miss mine, she has been gone for 8 years.  Sometimes I can go for weeks, and not think about her, but then I will see something, do something, be somewhere and she comes to mind.  Last night I babysat my grandaughter Adrian.  And I thought about how disappointed my mother was that my sister Rhonda, and I did not have girls.  One year, when my friend Lionel and his girls were staying with me, she absolutely spoiled his girls at Christmas, they had twice as many presents as my boys did.  The boys didn’t mind, thank goodness.  I was playing with Addy May this morning, and thought, oh little girl, how your great-grandmother would have loved you.  She loved me. I miss her.

Sabotage

Sabotage is a deliberate action aimed at weakening another entity through subversion, obstruction, disruption, and/or destruction. So, why is it that I sabatage myself more than anyone else ever could.  I stayed home sick from work at Job #1 today, now I am sick, my allergies are kicking up something fierce, and I have a cough, so it wasn’t a lie.  But I have gone to work under worse circumstances.  A few weeks ago I started walking to work, and yesterday I rode a bicycle.  And yesterday afternoon, when I rode said bike home, I started to hate myself.  Why is this so hard?  Why am I not pedaling all the way?  Why am I so lazy?  Why didn’t I just walk?  Why am I so afraid?  Why am I doing all this?  After all, there is no one to care but me.

And thats the thing, there is me.  I want to care, I want to get healthier, I want to be worthy of the gifts that God and man have given me lately.

So I stayed home today, to think, to decide whether I need to go to the Doctor, because for some reason I am trying to kill myself.  By not taking my medicine, not using my insulin, not eating right, and just in general, not giving a shit.

This getting in shape is causing me unexpected problems, like being so restless once I get to work, that I get up and walk around a lot.  Pain in my feet, and hips.  And yesterday, after riding the bike home in the heat, I called in at Job #2 and slept for 3 hours.  I have to learn to function through that exhaustion, so that I do not give up.

So far today, I have cleaned my apartment.  Except for the dishes… Did some laundry.

Got blown, played a silly game, put some boxes of stuff away.

And sat here thinking…I need to write this shit down, and out of my head.