Sabotage

Sabotage is a deliberate action aimed at weakening another entity through subversion, obstruction, disruption, and/or destruction. So, why is it that I sabatage myself more than anyone else ever could.  I stayed home sick from work at Job #1 today, now I am sick, my allergies are kicking up something fierce, and I have a cough, so it wasn’t a lie.  But I have gone to work under worse circumstances.  A few weeks ago I started walking to work, and yesterday I rode a bicycle.  And yesterday afternoon, when I rode said bike home, I started to hate myself.  Why is this so hard?  Why am I not pedaling all the way?  Why am I so lazy?  Why didn’t I just walk?  Why am I so afraid?  Why am I doing all this?  After all, there is no one to care but me.

And thats the thing, there is me.  I want to care, I want to get healthier, I want to be worthy of the gifts that God and man have given me lately.

So I stayed home today, to think, to decide whether I need to go to the Doctor, because for some reason I am trying to kill myself.  By not taking my medicine, not using my insulin, not eating right, and just in general, not giving a shit.

This getting in shape is causing me unexpected problems, like being so restless once I get to work, that I get up and walk around a lot.  Pain in my feet, and hips.  And yesterday, after riding the bike home in the heat, I called in at Job #2 and slept for 3 hours.  I have to learn to function through that exhaustion, so that I do not give up.

So far today, I have cleaned my apartment.  Except for the dishes… Did some laundry.

Got blown, played a silly game, put some boxes of stuff away.

And sat here thinking…I need to write this shit down, and out of my head.