A Letter to my son Alexander Jordan

First let me say that I love you.  You are, and always will be, my baby.  You are the only person on the planet over age 5 that is allowed to sit in my lap, because sometimes a mother just needs to hold her baby.

I wish I could say I remember your babyhood, and toddlerhood, but I cant.  I was working, and for the most part I was only called on to be the bad guy.  I was the one to provide rules, and discipline.  I think this is part of our problem in communicating with each other, since you were very small I have been the parent to spank you the most, yell at you the most, make the most rules, say “NO” the most, and the list goes on.  And now it is a pattern, I call your name, and you go on the defensive.  You know every single one of my buttons, and you can press them all in succession without a thought, and I get defensive back, and we hurt each other.

This morning I kicked you out, Again.  Because I love you.  Alex, I have never asked anything from you but to do the minimum required to be a good man.  What this means to me is that you take responsibility.  Responsibility comes in many forms, but for a father of two little girls, it has some basic requirements.  The first is that you have a job, that you are able through your work, or the work of you and your partner, to support your family.  What this means is you can provide nourishment, whether in food, clothing, a home, or love.  It does not mean you get to sit around, do nothing, call yourself a piece of shit, and hope the rest of the world agrees and leaves you alone.  The second is that you provide a safe environment for you children, this comes in many forms, from protecting them from others, to protecting them from yourself.  It will be cute the first time Adrian or Heidi say the F Bomb, it will not be cute when they use it on you, or other authority figures.  This means adapting whatever environment you put them in to them, not them to it.  Is it safe where they are?  Are the people around them thinking before they speak?  Are there hazards to their health?  Is the door shut?  etc.  The most important though, is that you accept responsibility.  If you didn’t provide a safe environment, you cannot punish them if they get hurt, or head for trouble, they were not the ones responsible, you were.   If you have not given them safe shelter, it is on you when they get sick.  etc.

These are the things that ALL parents are expected to do.  Not just you.  Not just me.  ALL parents.

But again, you call yourself a piece of shit, and hope that no one will expect anything of you.  Well, as your mother, I expect things.  I expect that you can, and should be a good father, good man, and functioning member of society.

This is the part in our cycle where you tell me that I am expecting you to be perfect, and that I am all kinds of fucked up.  And this being the case, I should not talk to you about parenting, or adulthood.

And I fire back, and it all explodes in our faces, and we both lose.

About today though, something has to change Alex.  You are coasting along again, hoping for what, I do not know.  You are spending time everywhere but where you need to be, hoping that being somewhere else will make you happier, and it wont.  It is a fact that wherever you go, there you are.  You are no happier today than when you lived on Charles, Chase, Amidon, Main, or Oliver.  Because being happy, is like being a piece of shit, if you believe it, it is true.  I do not believe you are a piece of shit, I believe you are the young responsible man I raised.  I believe you are unhappy with yourself, and your life, because once again, if you believe you are happy, you will be.

I decided, once again, to be the change.  So I kicked you out, not because I do not love you, but because I do.  I love you enough to know that you have to figure this out, and I cannot help you, much as I try.  So I have to kick you out of this nest again, and hope you learn how to fly before you hit the bottom.

I love you.

Momster

Food Porn

Breakfast: cereal milk coffee with creamer. Lunch salad soup breadsticks. Peach tea

Do you ever miss your mom?

I miss mine, she has been gone for 8 years.  Sometimes I can go for weeks, and not think about her, but then I will see something, do something, be somewhere and she comes to mind.  Last night I babysat my grandaughter Adrian.  And I thought about how disappointed my mother was that my sister Rhonda, and I did not have girls.  One year, when my friend Lionel and his girls were staying with me, she absolutely spoiled his girls at Christmas, they had twice as many presents as my boys did.  The boys didn’t mind, thank goodness.  I was playing with Addy May this morning, and thought, oh little girl, how your great-grandmother would have loved you.  She loved me. I miss her.

Sabotage

Sabotage is a deliberate action aimed at weakening another entity through subversion, obstruction, disruption, and/or destruction. So, why is it that I sabatage myself more than anyone else ever could.  I stayed home sick from work at Job #1 today, now I am sick, my allergies are kicking up something fierce, and I have a cough, so it wasn’t a lie.  But I have gone to work under worse circumstances.  A few weeks ago I started walking to work, and yesterday I rode a bicycle.  And yesterday afternoon, when I rode said bike home, I started to hate myself.  Why is this so hard?  Why am I not pedaling all the way?  Why am I so lazy?  Why didn’t I just walk?  Why am I so afraid?  Why am I doing all this?  After all, there is no one to care but me.

And thats the thing, there is me.  I want to care, I want to get healthier, I want to be worthy of the gifts that God and man have given me lately.

So I stayed home today, to think, to decide whether I need to go to the Doctor, because for some reason I am trying to kill myself.  By not taking my medicine, not using my insulin, not eating right, and just in general, not giving a shit.

This getting in shape is causing me unexpected problems, like being so restless once I get to work, that I get up and walk around a lot.  Pain in my feet, and hips.  And yesterday, after riding the bike home in the heat, I called in at Job #2 and slept for 3 hours.  I have to learn to function through that exhaustion, so that I do not give up.

So far today, I have cleaned my apartment.  Except for the dishes… Did some laundry.

Got blown, played a silly game, put some boxes of stuff away.

And sat here thinking…I need to write this shit down, and out of my head.

The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini

This is the story of Amir, the on of a rich tradesman, and Hassan, the son of his fathers servant.  The story takes place in Afghanistan.  I read this book a few years ago, when it first came out, and I was unable to put it down.  The story of this uneven friendship, the betrayal of Amir, and the everlasting love of Hassan is heart-wrenching in places.  For most of the book, Amir is not your favorited character, and he literally doesnt redeem himself until the very end.  Recently I listened to Khaled Hosseini’s second book, A Thousand Splendid Suns, and I have to say his writing just keeps getting better.  9/10

A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini

This book tells the story of Mariam and Laila, first and second wives to Rasheed.  The story takes place over three decades in the country of Afghanistan.  Mariam is emotionally, and mentally neglected for much of her childhood, but she is a girl in Afghanistan, so this is to be expected.  Laila has love from her father, but only resentments for and from her depressed mother.  The Afghanistan in the story is under Russian rule, warlord rule, and the tali ban, and there is no peace for anyone.  Rasheed is a jerk, he wants his women to be only his, and hidden from the world by burka and silence.  For many years Mariam is abused by Rasheed, in one incident he makes her chew on gravel when he isnt pleased with his rice.  Mariam cannot give him the heir he thinks he needs, so he marries Laila.  Laila has recently lost her parents to a missile, and is pregnant by her lifelong love.  It takes time, but eventually these two women strengthen each other, become each others family, and grow whole.  The turmoil doesn’t end until Rasheed is dead, and Mariam pays for the deed.  This is an awesome book, very well-written, and emotional.  I do not make a pretty picture crying over the keyboard at work.  10/10

The Innocent Mage & The Awakened Mage by Karen Miller

This duo of books by Karen Miller is called the Kingmaker, Kingbreaker series.   tells the story of a fisherman, looking for a better life, and his adventures in the big city.  Little does he know that he is a small, but extremely important part in a prophecy.  Fate introduces Asher to a Prince, and a world that offers him more than he ever dreams.  The first book tells the story of Asher, and Prince Gar.  Asher and Gar become the best of friends.  They complement each other in temperament, and fill empty places for each other.  Towards the end of the first novel, and into the second Gar is bespelled and receives magic that is not his, but an evil magic that through him will destroy his world.  Asher actually has magic but doesnt know it, until he has to aid Gar.  I loved the first book, it was fast moving, and I like the characters, the second book however ended too quickly, it just fell off the cliff into nothing as was a bit disappointing. 8/10, 5/10

The Arrival by Shaun Tan

This is one of the most beautiful graphic novels I have had the pleasure of reading.  Shaun Tan uses beautiful, sepia toned pictures to tell the story of an immigrant, and his adjustments to a new land.  He uses many tools to show us the scope of things, like a series of pictures to show how long he was on the ship, and how small the ship is in comparison to the ocean it sails.  Another striking image is a series of pictures showing the changing of the seasons with one bloom.  This is a well drawn story, in a beautiful city, with unique stories that bloom from each situation he faces.  10/10

Brilliance of the Moon by Lian Hearn

This is the third book in the story of Takeo and Kaide Otori.  In this volume we learn more of the political situation outside of our young couple.  We also learn the age old lesson that working together as a team is much smarter than flying solo into a hurricane.  As Takeo and Kaide work together to bring the three kingdoms under one rule, they learn from each other, and from the people around them.  They also discover that although things may not be as they seem, that isn’t always a bad thing.  This is a good conclusion to the story of Takeo and Kaede, with an afterword that tells us that more is to come but in other voices.  8/10

Grass for His Pillow by Lian Hearn

This is the second book in this series.  Again we are exploring the lives of Takeo and Kaede.  This ill-fated couples separates to follow separate paths leading away from the future.  Takeo has committed himself to learning of his fathers heritage.  Kaede goes back to her fathers house to find things in ruin, and the nearest neighbor an old gay gentleman who wants to add her to his art collection.  As with all middle books, this story has no beginning, and no end.  This was not a book I would listen to again.  I become annoyed when the same couple has problem, after problem, and things do not get resolved until damage has been done that cannot be repaired.  7/10